who could ever leave you darling

[stiles]

The first two weeks of Ava’s life fly by. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep. Maybe it’s the lack of schedule for most of that first week. Maybe it’s the way she consumes them until their lives consist of little else. But Stiles swears, he blinks, and their baby is suddenly two weeks old.

It’s a full two weeks, too. In her first week, she hits the milestone of First ER Trip, courtesy of dad. She meets a majority of the pack, delightling Stiles when she spits up on Liam before falling asleep in the crook of Braeden’s arm like she was made for that space. She has her first bath, her first walk, her first doctor’s appointment. She spends Saturday evening at his dad’s, Stiles’s arms aching for her every time she gets passed between his dad and Melissa. But she spends Sunday morning fast asleep between him and Malia in their bed, when they’re both wide awake and he doesn’t have to worry about either of them rolling over on top of her. She visits the station in her second week of life, too, when they bring lunch for his dad and let his coworkers meet the baby. (He just barely catches Gina trying to sneak a picture that will inevitably make its way to Henry, but he’s too high on his own pride to care.) Mostly, she sleeps and she eats - the latter far more than the former - and Stiles falls a little more madly in love with her every day for two weeks.


At least, he does until that Tuesday morning two weeks after her birth, when Ava begins to fuss twenty minutes before his alarm will go off for the first time in two weeks. And Stiles wakes up with that sinking feeling already filling the pit of his stomach.

His eyes blink open slowly so he gets tiny stop-motion glimpses of Malia. Her hair spilling over her naked back as she sits up, her body bent towards the baby as she coos, the smallest bit of Ava’s dark hair as Malia pulls her against her chest. On a normal morning, he’d flip over and pull his pillow over his face, trying to block out the world so he could sleep for the next hour or so that Ava would give them before he would be the one to get up with her and change her. Today, he flips over Malia settle back into bed with the baby to turn off his alarm before it can shatter the piece of the morning, his anxiety clawing at his chest the whole time.

The first week of Ava’s life was a little bit of a mess, but the second one made way for routines. They had a morning routine with her now, and a bedtime routine. Except for the cluster feeding she had decided to try two days ago, she ate at mostly the same times and napped at mostly the same times, awake a little longer this week than the week before. But the routines had been established to help with this moment now. Just like he had run a handful of errands over the last few days, each one longer than the next. Giving her a little more time on her own with the baby each day to ready all three of them for this moment. And still, as he switches his alarm off, it’s all he can do to not close the alarm app and make a phone call instead, calling off before the day has even started.

He sighs to himself as he finally sets his phone back down, flipping back over to face Malia. She’s laid back down on her side, Ava on her tiny little side as she nurses from Malia’s breast where it’s pressed against the bed. Ava’s tiny fist is resting against Malia’s chest, and Malia’s milky skin seems to go on for forever, and Stiles thinks he might honestly die in that moment. Like leaving this bed, leaving them might be the thing to kill him. But Malia had burst into tears the night before when he had set the alarm, so if he’s going to die, it’s best to do it quietly on his own where she can’t witness it.

At least, they have this twenty minutes. He reaches across the space in between them, brushing Ava’s tiny cheek with the back of his hand. She startles at his touch and loses her latch immediately. An apology rises to the tip of his tongue, but it’s quickly forgotten when the baby lets go of her mother’s nipple with a soft popping noise and then immediately proceeds to sneeze. And Stiles is sure he’s going to die now.

“Fuck,” he half sighs, half whispers as his eyes flicker up to look at Malia as she reposition the baby to get her to latch again, then immediately look back down at Ava. “Don’t let her do anything that cute while I’m gone.”

[malia]

They hadn’t talked about this day much, both of them kind of trying to pretend like it wasn’t going to happen, but she’d been dreading it. Honestly, she’d been dreading it from the day that she’d given birth. She loved these last couple of weeks they’d spent together, the three of them, mostly at home just learning about this new life that they’d kind of fallen into with the arrival of their baby girl. Sure, there had been good days, and there had been bad days. Some very bad days. Days when Ava seemed to cry from morning until night, and then half the night. The night that they had to rush her to the hospital. The separation anxiety and fiercely intense need to keep her eyes on the baby at all times when she was being held by anybody but her or Stiles. Even when it was just their own family. There had been lazy naps, squeezing them in any time that Ava slept for more than an hour. Late night conversations. Quiet times of just being together while the baby nursed or they learned something new about her that they hadn’t known before. Every day, she fell more in love with this little person they’d created. And every day she fell more in love with him. And just when she was really getting used to having him home with them all the time, he has to go back to work. Maybe it would be easier for her if she knew he was going back to a job that he loved, one that would make him happy. But that’s not even the case. She can see how miserable he is when he just mentions it, the same dread seeming to fill his eyes as she feels in her own gut.

She hadn’t slept well the night before, just knowing that he would be leaving them for the entire day the next morning, so the sound of Ava’s whimpering in the darkness hurts a little more than it usually does. She attempts to blink the sleep out of her eyes as she sits up and reaches for her tiny daughter, pulling her close so she can press her lips to her cheek. “Shh,” she coos softly. “Daddy’s sleeping.” And almost as if Ava understands, she quiets in her arms, her mouth already rooting out her meal. Malia has taken to nursing on her side. It works for them, and Ava seems to do better sometimes when she has her own space. She rests on her side, settling the baby close to her breast so she can guide her mouth to her nipple. She rests her hand behind Ava’s head, guiding her to the spot she’s looking for and the baby latches almost immediately. She closes her eyes for a moment, the relief of the pressure built up from the last feeding always feeling good.

When she opens her eyes again, Stiles is staring at her, her supernatural eyes easily adjusting to the darkness. And she can see it happening in slow motion almost, Stiles touch causing Ava to get distracted and let go of her nipple with a smack. Her sneeze might be the cutest thing Malia has ever seen or heard. She crinkles her little nose, a look of pure shock in her eyes as she opens them again, not really understanding what had just happened and clearly not very happy about the fact that she’s no longer eating. Malia laughs lightly, brushing her dark hair down with her hand as she pulls her back to her breast, guiding her nipple back to the baby’s lips so she can pick up where she left off.

Stiles words pull her out of her reverie and she looks back at him, the familiar sadness returning like a punch to the gut. But the part of her brain that still doesn’t really get sarcasm answers him the only way she can think of. “I don’t know what she’ll do while you’re gone.” She doesn’t mean it the way it sounds, but it’s true. And it’s one of the thousands of reasons she wishes he would just stay there with them.

“Do you have to go?”

[stiles]

Ava latches again like the tiny little genius he’s already sure she is, and Stiles has to fight the urge to touch her again. He knows how silky her dark hair feels against the palm of Malia’s hand, and he knows how warm and soft her tiny body is first thing in the morning in her tiny sleep sack. But he’s already disturbed her one too many times for tonight. And then his mind is spiraling, thinking about how much harder it’ll be to go a full eight hours without holding her warm, soft little body in his arms. Smoothing down that silky, fine hair. Watching her scare herself with the force of her sneeze or cross her eyes when she tries to stare at the toy hooked to the canopy on her carseat. He’s never dreaded anything more in his life.

Malia’s voice is sincere when she replies, and his heart spasms in response. He bites down on his bottom lip to keep from smiling, and he ignores how much her literal interpretation of his statement makes him ache for her. Of course, she would assume he really wanted her to stop the baby from doing anything adorable in the time he was gone. It’s such a Malia response, and it makes him want to never leave that bed with her. “That’s the problem” he half mumbles under his breath.

And it is the problem. After two weeks, Ava probably doesn’t do much that all other newborns have done for thousands of years. But with every passing day, it feels like they unlock another tiny piece of her personality. Like that if he tries to tide her over for a few minutes with the pacifier when she’s hungry, she’ll turn that pacifier into a projectile that will almost certainly hit the floor. And she can almost always fall asleep if they hold her against their chests where she can feel the warmth of their skin and hear the cadence of their hearts. And she loathes diaper changes and the first few minutes before and after a bath because she can’t stand being cold.

And now, Malia will probably spend the next eight hours unearthing that next tiny gem of personality. And Stiles will miss all of it.

He’s so caught up in the baby, he almost misses her question at first. But her voice is just on this side of pleading, and it makes his heart ache all over again as soon as the question registers in his brain. “Yeah,” he sighs. “I do. If I take any more time now, I won’t have any left if she gets sick or we decide to do another weeked in Big Sur.”

Already, he had taken twice as much time as most of the guys in the department had when their babies were born, but he didn’t regret that. He couldn’t imagine having only been home for a week. A week ago, Malia was still very much healing, and they were still both just barely learning about Ava. But now, heading back after two weeks must have felt twice as impossible. It didn’t help matters that he hated his job with a passion, or that Malia knew that and had brought it up every time the topic of his going back to work came up. His job made him miserable, and yet, it just didn’t seem plausible that he could ever do anything else.

He finally pulls his eyes away from Ava to look back up at Malia again. Her eyes are sad as she looks at him, and he’s reminded again of the way she so easily cried the night before. As hard as it is for him to think about returning, he really can’t imagine what it feels like for her. “Do you feel okay about being alone with her today?” he asks her.

[malia]

She knows he’s right. She didn’t really know how it worked in the working world when a baby came into your life. She’d never really been in the working world at all. So, she’s tried very hard not to take the time that they’d have together for granted, knowing that he couldn’t stay home forever. It’s times like this that make her long for the days when they were kids. When they did school together and whatever else they were doing with the pack or his lacrosse games and then they were just together. Everything they did was together. But even that had ended eventually, and that was a time that they could never go back to. Unless she was able to talk him into just ditching this whole overrated human life thing and just become a nomad living in the woods with her. She doesn’t think her chances for that are very good. In fact, after living in this world now for as long as she has, and enjoying a lot of the benefits, she’s not entirely sure she could go back to it herself. And she knows she doesn’t want that for Ava. Not when they can offer her so much more in this world. Safety, warmth, a full belly, a warm bed and a roof over her head to keep her dry on rainy nights. Much more comfortable than a rocky den with a dirt floor. Though, there were times she missed that too.

And she also knows that she would really like another weekend away with him, especially now that they have Ava. Everything’s changed now that they have Ava. She’d always known he was her mate, he always would be, whether they’d ever ended up together again or not. But now it’s even more than that. She can’t explain it, wouldn’t be able to put it into words. So she just sighs, knowing that he’s right and knowing that she’s not going to change his mind. She focuses on Ava again, the baby moving her little fingers against her other breast, as if she’s trying to grasp at something but she doesn’t know how to use her fingers yet. She reaches for that little hand, letting the baby wrap her fingers around her index finger and rubbing the back of her tiny hand with her thumb. Her skin is so soft and these moments are so sweet. The three of them in bed together, the baby happy and content, they were perfect.

She’s sad that they’ll have less of them now. And she’s going to miss him. She’s going to miss him a lot. She knows it’s only 9 hours, but it’s going to feel like an eternity.

His question pulls her attention back to him and she thinks about it for a moment. It would be the first time she and Ava had been alone together for longer than a quick run out to the drug store of the gas station. They’d been doing this together since she’d been born otherwise. They went everywhere together, when they went places, but mostly they were just home together. Learning how to do this, learning how to take care of Ava. She’s not sure she’s going to be okay on her own. She loves being a mother, and she wants to be confident in it. She knows what Ava needs and she knows how to make sure she gets it. But what if something happened? It’s not like her to think things like this, and she doesn’t want him to worry, or think that she doubts herself.

“We’ll be fine,” she assures him forlornly. Just lonely. She doesn’t say that last part, even though she’s tempted to. “But you won’t stay late right?”

[stiles]

It’s just like Malia to say that they’ll be fine. Stiles in a past life would’ve been a little hurt by that statement. Like it was her way of saying they didn’t need him. But Stiles in this moment knows that that’s her stock response. And it’s probably the truth, too. They probably will be fine today. Malia has embraced motherhood completely, and she’s seemed like an absolute natural from day one. She’s made it all look so easy while he’s fumbled his way through behind her. Even the way she eases her finger into the baby’s hand before she can distract herself and lose her latch seems impressive. So far, she’s only been alone with the baby for the time it takes him to run to Target for diapers, but he has no doubt she can handle a day with the baby on her own. In fact, it’s the normalcy that their day will hold that makes him the most reluctant to leave. Today will be like yesterday and the day before, and he’s going to be the only one missing out on these sweet moments with his two favorite people in the world.

But it’s still good to hear her say she’ll be fine on her own. Stiles has tried hard to not make any assumptions about how she’s feeling ever since she confessed about how she was feeling about her physical appearance. They’ve talked enough about it for him to know that she’s feeling a little better in this new body, and it’s good to know she feels confident about being alone with the baby, too. It makes him feel just slightly better about going back to work.

That confidence falters just slightly, though, when she looks back up at him, asking her own question. It feels like a fist around his heart again. “No,” he answers quickly, reaching across the baby to brush her hair behind her ear. He lets his hand stay there against her cheek, rubbing her soft skin with his thumb. “God no. I’m getting out of there as quickly as possible.”

It’s weird, how having Ava in the world has made him abhor his job on a whole new level while also making him feel like he needs it in a way he never has before. He’s not even sure how to put it into words, especially words that Malia would understand. And even if he wanted to, Ava doesn’t given him a chance. She chooses that moment to unlatch again with a tiny little smack. Her little arms come up over her head as she stretches there between them, and again, Stiles feels like he might die if he has to go a full eight hours without being able to watch her stretch just like that. Malia coos softly as she stares down at the baby, getting ready to scoop her up.

“Hey,” he says gently as he rests a hand on her arm, stopping her. “Can I?” Malia seems to startle at first, like the thought didn’t even cross her mind, but she nods quickly, pulling her arms away from the baby. Stiles sits up before reaching for Ava’s tiny body, folding her into his arms. “C’mere, Baby Girl,” he says softly as he lifts her to her chest. She’s just as warm and soft as he knew she would be, and immediately, he knows that this was a mistake because he’s never going to be able to set her back down again. He rests her against his shoulder, patting her tiny back to burp her while he presses a kiss to that mess of dark hair. He lingers there for a long time, letting himself think about how much he wants to stay there all day for a long moment before he finally opens his eyes again to look back over at Malia. “If things aren’t crazy, I can try to swing by during my lunch today, too.”

[malia]

She does feel a little better when he assures her that he won’t work late. And when he says it, he sounds just as eager to assure himself that he’ll be getting out as soon as he can as he does about assuring her. It makes her feel like she can breathe a little better again.

She looks down as Ava pulls away from her breast again, a small stream of milk spilling from the corner of her mouth as she yawns and stretches. It’s the deep kind of stretch that makes her look twice as tall and big as she actually is. In reality, she’s still so very tiny. Just two weeks old, everything about her is still a newborn. She laughs lightly, reaching down to stroke Ava’s cheek softly. She never realized something as mundane as stretching could make her heart swell in the way that it did when it was Ava. “Somebody’s ready to go back to sleep,” she says softly, sitting up so she can lift the baby into her arms. It’s habit at that point. When Ava is done nursing, she gets burped. And when that nursing happens first thing in the morning, Malia is usually always the one to do the burping. It’s why she’s taken slightly by surprise when he reaches out to stop her. Of course she doesn’t mind. She loves watching him with the baby as much as she likes having the baby in her own arms.

She nods, letting herself rest back against the headboard of the bed as he pulls Ava into his arms and rests her against his shoulder. She loves the sound of the sweet baby noises that Ava makes as she settles in, her fists tight as she screws her face up in an unhappy grimace. It’s as though she can’t decide if she still wants to be eating or if she wants to be sleeping, but she knows she wants something. But she settles into her daddy’s embrace, resting her little cheek against his shoulder as he tenderly pats her back. The sound of his palm gently patting her rhythmically is enough to remind Malia about how impossibly tired she still feels.

His words are soft when he speaks again and she opens her eyes just in time for the babies little burp. She smiles at him, never loving him more than she does when she sees him with their daughter in his arms. The way that he just kind of melts into her, the look that he gets in his eyes that is reserved only for her. The gentle way he touches her as if she’s the most precious thing in his life.

“If you do, I’ll make you a grilled cheese,” she tells him. Lunch is one meal that she can cook without completely ruining it…usually. Maybe it’s a bribe. Not that her cooking is usually enough of a bargaining chip, but maybe if there was food and Ava involved he’d be more likely to make sure he could get away.

[stiles]

As soon as Ava is in his arms, Stiles knows it’s a terrible idea. The baby is so warm and so soft, and she fits against his shoulder just so. And what had been twenty minutes until his alarm is now more like ten, and all ten of those minutes will fly by. But it had felt impossible to get up and leave without having her in his arms at all.

It feels weird to complete any part of what was once his normal morning routine, really. Before Ava had been born, he had struggled to picture her being there in their lives. The house had been filled with her things for weeks, and he had known that at some point, there would be a baby there. But for that week and a half when it had felt like any day might be the day Malia gave birth, the baby had still felt like an idea and not a person. And now that Ava’s there, so completely a part of their lives that he can’t remember what life was like before her, now he can’t imagine this part. He can’t imagine pulling himself out of this bed and taking a shower like it’s any other normal day. He can’t imagine leaving Malia and Ava alone here and missing out on hours spent with the two of them. Really, it feels dumb that he’d just go back to his work routine after this monumental change in their lives, as if nothing had happened at all.

For now, though, he pushes the thought from his mind. Ava burps softly, and he stops patting her tiny back, but he makes no move to relinquish his hold on the baby. He keeps her against his shoulder instead, rubbing her tiny back. She’s content for now, and that alone becomes his excuse to linger in bed a little longer.

Malia’s bribe makes him smile against Ava’s soft, dark hair as he’s bending down to press another kiss to her tiny head. Malia didn’t cook. Even if she had ever had the desire, she didn’t have the patience. But every so often, she’d decide to cook one of the handful of things she could make for him, and there’s no doubt she’s offering on purpose in this moment. “I’m really gonna try,” he tells her, careful to not promise anything he can’t keep. “I have no idea what things are like at the station right now. But as long as I’m out, I’ll stop by.”

That response seems to be good enough for Malia as she nods, letting her head fall back against the headboard of their bed again. And again, he feels that strong sense of regret pulling at the pit of his stomach, urging him to stay in this moment with them forever. To just forget about work. But it’s just that: a moment. A second later, Ava fusses in his arms, making an unhappy noise as she thrashes her tiny arm. He’s either waited too long to hand her back to finish eating, or he’s waited too long to hand her back so she can stretch out in her bassinet again. Whatever the case, she’s not a fan of his right now. “I know, Aves,” he says as he shifts her to his arms, staring down into her tiny, angry face. “That’s how Daddy feels about it, too.” Her tiny legs curl against her belly as she gets angrier. Beside him, Malia sighs as she pushes herself away from the headboard, seeming to think she’s still hungry as she suggests they let her finish eating.

Reluctantly, Stiles presses one last kiss to her tiny cheek before he hands her back to Malia. His eyes follow her as she offers her other breast to the baby, who takes it greedily. Ava’s eyes drift shut in no time as she sucks against Malia’s nipple, and again, it feels impossible to leave them. Which means he has to do it before he gets sucked in again. Stiles sighs forlornly as he watches for another half second before finally climbing out of bed and crossing the room to his dresser, beginning to pull out a pair of boxers and a t-shirt.

[malia]

His answer does satisfy her. As much as it can at least. She feels a strange hollowness in her chest. She remembers this feeling from the days when she was first trying to learn to live without him being a daily constant in her life. But this wasn’t like that. He hadn’t left her, or broken up with her, he was just going to work. He’d be back after he put in his hours for the day. But this was the first time he’d really left them for so long. And she was going to miss him. Ava was going to miss him. They were both going to miss him. And it’s at this very specific moment in time that it really and truly dawns on her just what he does for a living. The fact that every day he goes out in his police cruiser, he is in danger. Danger that she’s not right there beside him to protect him from. If something happens while he’s at work, what would she do?

She hates his job as much as he does then. And she will until the last day he puts the uniform on.

But she can’t say that. She knows he’s determined to go, and if she says anything right now, she’s just going to make that harder for him. It was already hard enough. And like Ava knows how much they’re struggling, almost as if she feels as upset about the whole thing as they do, she begins to get fussy. And fussy for Ava turns to angry very quickly. Malia can feel the tension in her chest as the baby begins to cry, her face turning red as Stiles moves the little ball of a baby into a cradling position. She was still hungry. Malia was already starting to learn the sound of her cries, each one having a slightly different cadence. She sits up, reaching for the baby. “She’s still hungry,” she mumbles as Stiles hands her back silently. She immediately brings Ava to her other breast and the baby calms down as soon as she begins sucking once again. Malia can feel her tiny body relax in her arms as she eats. And she can feel tears in her eyes as she watches Stiles drag himself out of bed and disappear into the bathroom. It makes her angry at herself. What was wrong with her?

She hears the water from the shower come on as she leans back against the headboard again, the relief of pressure from her breast making her feel like she can relax again finally. Ava only makes it a few more minutes though before her suckling begins to slow. She startles herself awake a couple of times, immediately sucking again, but eventually she gives up and falls fast asleep against Malia’s breast. She slowly pulls her away from her nipple, sitting her up with her palm against the baby’s chest as she pats her back softly. Ava lets her head fall against Malia’s hand, completely lost to the world and fully entering a milk coma. She wasn’t going to burp, not this time. So Malia settles her back into her bassinet, covering her with the soft receiving blanket waiting for her and stroking her cheek before she climbs out of bed. She pulls her shorts off on the way to the bathroom. The small room is already filled with steam as she walks in, leaving the door open a crack so she can hear the baby if she wakes, and she wastes no time before climbing into the shower with him. He seems startled at first, but his face quickly breaks into a smile and she steps forward to kiss him, her hand resting over his on the washcloth so she can take over where he left off.

[stiles]

Stiles makes a conscious effort to not glance back at the bed. He finishes finding what he needs in the dresser, and then he slips into the closet for his uniform without ever looking back. Because if he looks back, he knows he’ll find them right where he left them. Malia with the baby cradled in her arms. Her hair escaping the messy bun she had thrown it up in the night before. Ava’s tiny hand pressed against her mother’s tanned skin. Both of them totally consumed by the other. And he knows that if he turns around, even just for a split second, he’ll never make it into the shower.

Part of him honestly doesn’t want to make it into the shower. He’s spent the better part of the past two weeks pretending this particular morning would never come, and now he’s woefully unprepared. Even as he moves through his morning routine, his mind is still on the girls he left behind in the next room. There’s a lot more fear about leaving them alone for the day than he anticipated, and it leaves him feeling jittery. Malia had all of the confidence in the world when she told him she’d be fine, but Ava is still so new. She’s still finding ways to constantly surprise them and throw them for a loop when they’ve stupidly convinced themselves they have this parenting thing down. And now, he’s not sure there’s enough diapers left in the changing table. They probably should’ve tried a bottle before he went back to work, just in case. Malia hasn’t driven at all since the baby was born, which doesn’t feel safe. And Ava threw her entire routine off the day before with the clusterfeeding, so now there’s no way to know how she’ll be today.

But his own nerves won’t help anything if Malia can sense them, so he tries to push down his mounting worries as he turns on the shower and slips inside. Instead, he distracts himself by trying to picture the two of them in the next room as he washes his hair. By now, the baby has probably dozed off again. She’s probably back in her bassinet, knees curled up towards her chest as she sleeps like she’s still squished inside of Malia. And Malia is probably fast asleep again, his pillow in her arms as a poor substitute for him.

It startles him when the door to the shower suddenly opens instead. He turns around to find Malia there, closing the door behind her, and his mouth immediately breaks into a wide smile. She steps closer, kissing him before he can even fully react. Her lips are soft against his, and he closes his eyes as he wishes for the hundredth time that morning that he could just stay right there with her. But even her kiss is fleeting. Long before he’s ready, she’s pulling away, taking the washcloth from his hand to continue washing his body. His hand comes to rest on her side, running up to the swell of her breasts and then back down to her hip slowly. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping while she sleeps?” he asks. But even as he says it, he makes no attempt to fight her or insist she go back to bed. And Malia rolls her eyes, continuing to rinse off his skin slowly.

His hand stays on some part of her the entire time, unable to have her this close and not touch her. He’s aware of the fact that his cock has also missed all of the memos containing reasons why this won’t go farther than a shower together, and he can feel himself growing stiff long before her hand comes to rest on his lower belly. “You know,” he says, his voice just this side of husky with desire for her. “I think the last time we did this was the night before she was born.” She had been hot and uncomfortable, and he had slipped into the shower with her because it had felt weird to leave her alone when it seemed like the baby could come at any moment. Somehow, that already felt like it had happened in another lifetime to two very different people. And yet, he also couldn’t believe it had already been two weeks.

Malia turns around to face the showerhead, and he takes it as an opportunity to step closer, wrapping his arm around her waist. He presses his body against hers as he kisses the place where her neck meets her shoulder, lingering there for a second longer than normal before pulling back. And maybe it’s his own desire clouding his judgment. Maybe it’s all of those fears still just barely held at bay. Or maybe it’s just the feeling of having her naked form against his own for the first time in far too long. But whatever the case, the words tumble out of his mouth before he can think twice about it. “Maybe I should just quit.”

[malia]

She wants him.

She’d be lying if she said she didn’t. As she runs the washcloth along his belly, she can feel her own body responding in the same way his visibly is in front of her. But it’s too soon, and even though she’s made stupid decisions about things like this before in the past, she knows that they can’t be together two weeks after she’d given birth to their daughter. But that didn’t mean that they couldn’t enjoy just being together like this for a while. She’s slow and intentional as she washes his skin, careful to cover every spot that she knows he would if he were doing it on his own. There’s something intimate about it, quiet and peaceful and comforting. Their baby is sleeping soundly in the other room, her belly full and her diaper clean, and just having this moment of silence away from her with him makes her feel rejuvenated. It’s why she had rolled her eyes when he asked her if she shouldn’t be sleeping. This is honestly doing way more for her than a 20 minute catnap would while he finishes getting ready for work.

When she turns around to face the the stream of water, it takes no time at all for him to move closer and wrap his arms around her from behind. She can feel his erection pressing against her backside and she closes her eyes, biting her bottom lip as she reminds herself for the thousandth time that nothing can come out of this and she new that before she climbed into the shower with him. His lips are warm against her shoulder and she’s so lost in the feel of his body against hers that his voice takes her by surprise. It takes her a moment to register what he’s said and she immediately turns around to face him again when it register. She rests her hands on his chest, his own falling naturally to her hips.

“Really?” She asks him, her eyes hopeful. She knows him well enough to know that…no, not really. And she’ll think about this moment later in the day and wonder how she could have been silly enough to think that he was actually serious when he says it. But she so badly wants him to be serious. They could make it work. She knows they could. She has money, plenty of money. They could find him another job in a way that could help their pack and their community. One that didn’t put him in danger every single time he walked out the door without her or Scott being close enough to protect him at a moments notice.

She’s moving her hands down before he even has a chance to respond to her, wrapping her hand around his cock, letting her thumb run over the tip as she leans in to kiss him again.

[stiles]

He doesn’t mean a word of what he says. He hates his job. Everyone knows he hates his job, including at least 50 percent of the people he works with. Including Noah Stilinski, who has sat him down more than once over the course of the last six years to remind him that there’s no obligation to follow in his father’s footsteps if his heart isn’t in it. But that’s where the problem always lies: his heart. Because eventually, his dad will truly decide not to run for reelection. And when that day comes, there won’t be anyone in the Sheriff’s station to quietly cover up the destruction Scott leaves in his wake. Or to slightly alter the report so Derek’s claw marks were never found at the scene. Or to use station resources to help the pack track down a threat, a missing person, a girl who might be trapped in the body of a coyote. Now, his driving force is that without him or his dad there, there’s no one in a position of power to protect Malia and Ava. Becoming a father has heightened his awareness of just how dangerous the world seems, and isn’t he failing his daughter if he’s not doing everything he possibly can to keep her safe?

But when he says it out loud, simply day dreaming, he doesn’t think about the impact his words will have. Not until she turns around in his rooms, her smile wide and hopeful. That hopeful piece doesn’t even register at first as his hands fall down to her hips, pulling her just slightly closer without thinking. It just feels so good to be alone with her like this, more alone than they’ve been in two weeks. And it feels good to have her this close - and honestly this naked - now that she’s been honest about how she feels right now in her own skin. And…

And his face falls in a second flat when he realizes she thinks he’s serious. His eyes are wide for the single moment he has to try to think of a way to let her down easy before she’s leaning in to press her lips against his. He can feel that sinking feeling of guilt, knowing he’s led her on, and it makes it hard to concentrate on her kiss. Or, at least, it feels hard until she wraps her hand around his cock, and he doesn’t really feel much of anything else. He groans against her mouth as her thumb moves over the tip, making his whole body shudder in response. She traces her thumb in the opposite direction before moving her hand slowly up the length of his cock, and then just as slowly back down to the tip. And it’s all he can do not to thrust his hips against her hand. One of his hands moves from her hip to brace himself against the shower wall to keep from doing just that as she circles the tip of his cock with her thumb again.

She moves her hand a little quicker that time, and he can’t stop himself, rocking his hips towards her as his body seeks more friction. The moan that leaves his mouth when their lips fall apart from each other is honestly embarrassing, but already, he’s lost most control. Two weeks is nowhere the longest he’s gone without sex, but there’s something about this particular two weeks. It’s the longest they’ve gone since she came to stay with him, and it’s the most he can ever remember wanting her, ever since he watched her become a mother. He’s more in love with her now than he even has the words to say, and it’s left him desperate to be with her, like they’re back in high school and she’s touching him for the first time. She slides her hand back up his cock and squeezes his balls gently, and he makes another sound that would leave him mortified if he had any blood at all left in his brain. But instead, he leans in, capturing her lips with his in another kiss, still somehow needing more of her.

Her hand still moves at a slower pace when she moves back down the length of his erection, but he can feel that he’s close, closer than he normally would be in this moment. He has just enough clarity left to pull away from her, his lips still brushing hers as he talks. “Mal, if you don’t stop,” he manages breathlessly, “I’m gonna come.” He can hear the eye roll in her voice when she insists that’s the point. And there’s something about knowing that’s her aim that makes his belly feel tight with that desire. He groans again as he lets his head drop, burying his face there in the crook of her neck. His hand that’s on her hip moves around to her backside, cupping her ass firmly as he pulls her still closer, trapping her hand around his cock between her bodies. Because he wants her desperately, and if this is the closest he can be to her for the time being, he wants her as close as humanly possible.

[malia]

His body is hot and familiar against his hand and just because she knows that he can’t be inside her, doesn’t mean that her body knows not to respond. There’s a famliar ache bettween her legs as she feels herself quickly getting wet and aroused, wishing desperately that it could be more. But this is okay, she wants to do this. She wants to do it for him, because she loves him and she knows how much he doesn’t want to go to work. And she wants to do it for herself, because she needs this moment to show him just how much she really does love him. She lets her hand work instinctively, biting her lower lip when he moans in pleasure. She knows she’s doing something right. She can tell by the flush creeping into his cheeks, and the way his hips move against her head, searching for more of that friction. She squeezes him, enjoying the way he thrusts against her as he captures her lips again.

She wants to laugh when she hears him speak again, as if that isn’t exactly what she’s going for. She can’t help but role her eyes, nipping at his bottom lip as he talks. “That’s the point,” she murmers, her own voice husky with desire as she squeezes his balls, letting her palm push his erection up and against his belly as she strokes him. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her close, so her hand is trapped agianst him there in between their bodies. She can feel him hard and throbbing there against her and she can’t help but let a moan escape her lips as she kisses him again. He feels good, even when he’s not inside of her. But now she’s trapped and she can’t move. She can’t continue to stroke him softly, or wrap her hand around him and move quickly to bring him to his release. So she presses herself against him, her full breasts against his chest, her legs tangling with his as she moves her body against him subtly, her lower stomach rubbing against his errection there between their bodies. His breath is hot there against her neck as he leans in to her, his lips against her skin.

She doesn’t want to pull away from him, and it’s taking every ounce of self control that she posses not to just take him inside of her in that moment. But she doesn’t, resting one of her hands agianst his chest as the other moves back to his cock and she begins to stroke him with purpose. She’s well aware of the fact that they don’t have a long time. Even if he was serious, and he quit, the baby wouldn’t sleep forever and her senses are accutely in tune with everything that happens with Ava. So she squeezes him, moving her hand up and down, along his length more quickly than she has up to that point. He groans, his head falling back as his hips begin to thrust against her palm. Her own breathing has become heavy as she watches herself pleasure him. She gives him a little squeeze every time she gets to the top of his cock, and within just a few more pumps of her fist, he moans deeply as he comes intensely, spilling himself several times between their bodies, her hand never slowing down as he rides out the orgasm. She lets go of him finally, letting her fingers slide up his stomach through the remnants of his pleasure and leaning in to kiss him one more time for good measure.

[stiles]

He sucks in his breath and nips gently at her shoulder when she moves against him. It feels like he can feel every last inch of her skin against his own in that moment, and he thinks she might literally be the death of him. But what an absolutely blissful way to die, with his erection pinned between their bodies, her newly full breasts against his chest, her backside cupped in his hand. If he had any brain capacity left at this point, he’d still be slightly dumbfounded by the fact that she had worried he might no longer be attracted to her when he wanted this version of her more than he had wanted any other version of her. But he stopped thinking about anything other than the way she feels the moment she told him the point of all of this was to get him off. He groans into the crook of her neck when she slides her body against his own, her front brushing against his sensitive cock. She does it one more time before she presses a hand to his chest, putting just enough space between them so she could move her hand. And even then, he has to fight the urge to pull her closer, keeping her body pressed against his.

Malia’s hand moves faster then, and Stiles’s body is overdue for this release, so as much as he wants to live in this moment for her forever, he knows it’ll be fleeting. He lets his head fall back as he closes his eyes, focused on nothing but the feeling of her hand against him. “Fuck, Mal,” he curses under his breath as she squeezes his cock before picking up her rhythm again. Already, he can feel that tightness low in his belly. His hips thrust against her hand, wanting more friction, wanting more of her. He opens his eyes as he lets his head fall forward again, his forehead almost touching hers as he watches her hand move along his length. And that’s all it takes. Watching her touch him, feeling her hand tighten its grip around his cock, he’s completely lost to her. “Fuck,” he curses again as he finally loses control, spilling himself as her hand never stops.

Before he can even catch his breath, Malia presses her lips against his again. He wraps his arm around her waist, pulling her closer until her front is pressed against his. His skin is sticky with the remnants of his release, he can feel it as soon as her skin is pressed against his own, but he doesn’t care. All he can think about in that moment is how much he loves her. How much he loves this life they’ve built together. How much he wants to spend the rest of his life feeling just this close to her. And how impossible it’s going to be to force himself to leave the house within the hour.

He pulls away sooner than he wants to, but she’s left him short of breath, and he’s gasping for air by the time he lets her go. He wraps his other arm around her, though, keeping her body pressed against his. “Is this how you’re going to send me off to work every morning now? Cause i’m not complaining,” he says with a short laugh. Before she has a chance to respond, he leans in to kiss her one more time, this one shorter and slightly more chaste before he pulls away again. His expression is a little more serious when he meets her eyes again. “Do you want me to…?” His eyes scan her body before moving back to her face. At any other time, he’d have pinned her against the wall of the shower before he had even caught his breath, wanting to feel how aroused she had become from just watching him, and wanting to be the one to make her feel equally as good. But this morning, he’s acutely aware of the fact that they’re only two weeks removed from Ava’s birth. He knows she’s still bleeding, and, more importantly, he knows she’s still learning now to live in this new body. So when she shakes her head no, he doesn’t press the issue.

Instead, he moves his hands to her hips and turns her gently around. Maybe he can’t pleasure her in the way she pleasured him, but it doesn’t mean that he can’t touch her at all. He guides her back beneath the stream of the water, running his hands through her hair to wet all of it before he reaches for the bottle of shampoo, pouring some into his hands before he begins to work it into her hair. He takes his time, massaging her scalp as he leans down to press a gentle kiss to the side of her neck. “I’m gonna be so late,” he murmurs beside her ear. “But it’s so worth it.”

[malia]

She wants him to…

She wants him to so much it’s almost painful.

She wants to feel his fingers touching her, his tongue against her nipples, his cock inside of her as he comes. But as much as she wants that and as much as her brain is telling her to just forget all of the doctor’s orders. She healed quickly. And she was two weeks out of giving birth. She would be okay. But her body is telling her it’s too soon. So, her body wins out this time and she shakes her head remorsefully, moving her hand back to his length and stroking him tenderly, lovingly. He kisses her, and then guides her to turn around with his hands on his hips. She closes her eyes as the stream of water falls against her front, biting her bottom lip as her sore nipples burn against the hot water.

Nursing was still maybe her favorite thing about being a mother. There was nothing that came close to the feeling of closeness she shared with Ava when they were together like that. But there was no doubt that her nipples weren’t completely used to the costant friction and moisture and leaking. They were cracked and irritated and Stiles had already had to bring her ointment that, although it wasn’t relieving her completely, was definitey helping. She closes her eyes as she feels his fingers work through her hair, massaging her scalp as he works the shampoo in. It wasn’t what she had really wanted after touching him, but it felt good. It felt relaxing, and she can feel her muscles start to loosen up. She moans softly, closing her eyes and just enjoying the feel of his touch.

“That feels so good,” she tells him honestly, her words almost slured with relaxation and exhaustion. She hadn’t realized how tired she actually was, too caught up in the regretfulness she felt over the fact that he was leaving them to go back to work. Which reminds her of what he said right before she was about to start touching him.

“When will you quit?” she asks him sincerely as he begins to help rinse the shampoo from her long hair. She hadn’t forgotten when he’d said, and she thinks it sounds like a really good idea. And the sooner the better as far as she was concerned.

[stiles]

"Good," he says as he continues to move his hands through her hair. It feels good to him, too. In fact, her impromptu decision to join him has alleviated a lot of anxiety about returning to work - even if it's only for the moment. And it's not until now, when they're alone together and able to focus on each other, that he realizes how little of this they've done since welcoming Ava into the world. Before this moment, Stiles would've argued that he's done nothing but devote himself to Malia for the past two weeks. He ran her a bath every night for that first week and grabbed another dose of wolfsbane laced painkillers for her before the last dose could wear off. He ran out for the ointment Braeden suggested for her cracked nipples, and more pads when what she bought ahead of time didn't last her a whole week. He had cooked dinner every night, insisted she sleep when the baby sleeps, and laid awake with her those first few nights for every feeding. But as much as he had done to take care of her, there had been little intimacy as they settled into this new way of life. And now, this moment felt long overdue.

He's just starting to rinse the shampoo when he hears her question. Before he can stop himself, he scoffs, shaking his head even though her back is to him and she can't see. A part of him wishes he could walk in there this morning and give his dad his two weeks' notice. Hell, maybe it'd just be a letter of resignation, effective immediately. He'd find a way to swallow down his pride and agree to live off of Peter Hale's dirty money. (This fantasy used to involve him finding another job so he didn't just go stir crazy sitting at home all day, but Ava has left him wanting nothing more than to sit at home all day.) And he'd finally wash his hands clean of the job he resented, the coworkers he couldn't stand, the gun he no longer wanted in the same room Ava slept in.

But in reality, he'll head straight to HR to add the baby to his health insurance this morning. He'll find a way to swallow down his guilt at being a cog in an unfair system in order to know that he can sleep a little more soundly at night knowing there's at least two authority figures looking out for his family. As hard as it is to imagine leaving Malia and the baby, it's impossible to imagine giving up the best way he has to keep them safe.

"As soon as Scott's eliminated every possible threat," he tells her, running his hands through her hair one last time to make sure it's free of shampoo. "And then probably six more months, for good measure." He presses his lips against her shoulder again, wrapping his arms back around her body and pulling her flush against his front again. But it only lasts a second before she pulls away, turning around to face him. And the moment he sees her face, he knows. She looks the way he felt when he realized his alarm was about to go off that morning. She looks like she was left out of the joke, his joke. "Shit," he says, feeling his heart rise to his throat. "Did you think I was serious?"